This devlog will mention and discuss suicide. I mean, it's a game about that, but I'd rather warn to be sure.

Thank you!

I'm not quite sure what to say now. I cried so many times over this already, and yet, it seems there still are some tears left to cry with. More than 600 downloads. More than 600 people who came here and decided that they want to read the story I wanted to tell, the story I was so afraid to tell for such a long time. So many people telling me that they feel seen and understood. So many people gathering together, telling each other that they're happy they're still here, that they're happy I am still here. So many people telling me I'm strong and brave, even though I don't consider myself as such at all. Hell, so many people who decided to actually buy the game, even though I didn't expect anyone to actually do so! The overwhelming amount of support I received continues to stun me.

This could be my big mistake, this could be my biggest break...

I need you to understand that I'm just a small dev who does all of this VN deving thing for fun. I have never received this kind of attention before. I'm still unsure what I should do with it, if I should do anything with it at all. I know some people would kill for this kind of a popularity spike, but if I am to be honest, it scares me. I was there, refreshing the analytics page, and the numbers kept going up, up, far higher than my (now second) most popular game. It terrified me, especially because of the theme of the game and its barebones nature; I fully expected to be bombarded with 1 star reviews due to it once the game started blowing up. But I wasn't. In fact, as of now, there's just one of those, which shocks me. I didn't think my vision would be understood by such a large amount of people.

I'm still scared. I'm still terrified. I keep thinking about how I should start marketing harder, how I should ride the wave of popularity and squeeze all I can out of the sour, sour lemon that life has given me. But I won't. I refuse. This game was made because of the careless treatment of suicide in marketing context, and I refuse to commodify such pain - mine and others - in this way. I added guy behind "i won't finish this game" to my Twitter bio because I freshly released lovetellers and changed my profile picture and banner, so it's for recognition reasons. Would I mind being known as that guy who made "i won't finish this game"? Nah. If that's what people know me as, then so be it, besides, it is my most recognizable game. I can only control a part of how people see me; the other part is not up to me to decide.

I realized that, in the end, this popularity changes nothing. I still released a new game for Velox Formido game jam, set in the universe I am working on for almost 3 years by now. I'm just a guy who makes VNs of varying quality out of the genuine need to throw 3 terabytes of lore out of his head. I'm here to tell stories and move people with them. As long as I do that, I have everything, and while massive amounts of downloads, reviews, comments and support are great, I don't think gathering and farming it is my goal. And I'm also not here for drama.

Boy howdy, I guess we need to talk about that.

The tale of two games

By this time it's hard to not know that the very existence of this game was triggered by me witnessing a particularly mishandled case of suicide portrayal. I won't be mentioning this game by name, nor will I name the developer, but I did come out with names on my Twitter. I was tired of everyone talking about it behind closed doors. I was tired of people coming into my DMs to ask about it. The only reasons I didn't mention names while talking about it was that I was scared of a large fanbase potentially coming after me, and also the fact that I didn't want to get myself into drama. Well, here we are.

I think I should clarify a couple of things.

First: I'd rather not have i won't finish this game compared to that other game. We clearly had two different goals in mind. That game was envisioned, apparently, as a horror, while i won't finish this game is entirely focused on the issue of mental health and the exploitation of suicide as a shock tactic. I'd say we couldn't be further away from each other. And while I think that comparing the portrayal of suicide in my game and theirs is justified, I'd still rather not see it. I don't really feel well with being praised while someone else is being kicked down. It feels like my game can only exist in comparison to that other game, in a way; it's as if all merit in my game comes from the fact that someone else messed up. Would i won't finish this game be worse if that other game didn't exist? Would it be less worthy of your attention and time? I acknowledge that a lot of views and downloads most likely come from the fact that this unfortunate event even happened, and in all honesty, it kind of hurts me. I can't help but wonder if this game would still be as popular as it is if I released it without all the controversy... and I know it most likely wouldn't be. Well. Nothing I can do about that.

Second: I didn't intend it all to be some sort of war or callout, or cancellation, or whatever. All I wanted to do is to bring attention to the topic that bothered me for a very long while and to finally speak about something I couldn't open up about in art for years. If I wanted it to be a hater campaign, I would've mentioned the name of the game from the very beginning. That game was a catalyst for i won't finish this game, but it wasn't my intention to be some sort of a malicious actor or a villain trying to bring someone down. Frankly, I hope the developer in question is well and that she'll fix up the issues that plague her and her writing. Apparently she's issued some sort of a response but it's clearly not meant for me to see, since she blocked me before it got posted, so in my eyes, it's like one doesn't exist. I'll just say that compassion is something that is independent of writing skill and that you shouldn't experiment with topics you are inexperienced with. It's a recipe for disaster.

Third: i won't finish this game is a response. It's a call for better portrayal of suicide in games. It's a provocation, forcing artists to think of what impact their work might have. It was never meant as some kind of show of superiority. I didn't want this to look like I was trying to one up anyone. I only wanted to speak about what I went through and make others pause to consider the way media portrays suicide. 

Generally: I don't want to be intertwined with that other game. In fact, I'd rather stay as far away as I can. It's not fully possible now, is it? And yet, I'd love to try. I am tired. I just want to make my silly VNs about dreams and stuff.

So you start to take pieces of your own life...

Paradoxically, I am not done with this game yet. My first thought was to simply leave those two files - PC and Mac version - there forever. And I won't touch them, but I will add new versions. Since I didn't have a computer back when my own attempt took place, I will release an Android version, so that people in a situation similar to mine back then can experience the game too. Additionally, a Polish version - nie skończę tej gry - is coming, since... well, I'm Polish. What can I say. I made this game for myself, in many ways. 

I'm tired after this week, tired but extremely grateful. I took something so deeply personal, processed it, gave it to people, and then had them tell me that I'm not alone. This game is, just as Ewelina (in case you haven't read the previous devlog, that's the narrator's name) said, empty, ugly and undone, but it managed to move so many people, and I still can't process that. Speaking about your own pain is never easy. I appreciate everyone who opened up in the comment section. I appreciate everyone who opened up in my DMs. I appreciate everyone who left a review. I appreciate everyone who bought the game. Most of all, I appreciate each and every one of you who struggled, yet still is here. Drink your water, eat something good, rest well. Being alive is pretty cool, actually.

Thank you for all your support. I hope some of you will be there with me for my future projects. And if not, then I hope you felt something while reading this one.